This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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