Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
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Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
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i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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