She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
