i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
