her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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