the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
