He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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