I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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