you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
