I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
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How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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