i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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