just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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