Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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