whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
