so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
