I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
