how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I think my fart just growled at me.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
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He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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