you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
