I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
