I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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