I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
