We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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