If i could tip my vagina, i would.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
