It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
