oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
