i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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