awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize