It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
