then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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