and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
