you guys were way drunker than both of me
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
