quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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