just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
