I showed him my bush... on skype.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
