Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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