Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
