About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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