I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
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I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
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NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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