I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
