what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Two words: blizzard sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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