I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
