he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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