she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
