I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
