Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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