You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
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This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
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I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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