Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
