Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
porn star boner night. come get it.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
