I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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