Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
