dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
