1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
